Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Respect In Marriage

I had to promote this. Go over and support Kristal.
I love what she wrote in here.

I’m not sure I even want to go here, but I will anyway.

Filed Under: Day In And Day Out

I feel a need to clarify my position on the post that caused such an uproar. First of all, the baby shower thing was an issue only because of the kids. I was planning on going alone, no problems. It became difficult when they ‘insisted’ that Mike and two of the seven kids go as well. That just isn’t reasonable. Where are the other five kids supposed to go? As far as the issue of men and women, I think it was cool and fun for them to include the guys [although only one of the dozen that were invited actually showed up]. What wasn’t cool was picking and choosing which kids could go. I totally understand if they wanted something low key without a lot of kids. Like I told Justin on the phone, in this situation it was all or none. I know that the reason he asked for Mica and Mikal only was because his mom was going. But I didn’t want to turn the baby shower into an excuse for her to have to see them. She hasn’t called them in almost a month and hasn’t seen them since the beginning of the summer. If she wanted to see them, I know that Mike would bend over backwards to make it happen. But why bring that issue into the baby shower when the focus should be on Justin and Michele and their baby? It was obvious that they didn’t want me to go without Mike, again because she would be there and she hates me.

Now… the comments did bring up a lot of interesting questions that deserve an answer. Mieke, this is for you although I doubt you will agree with me.

You said: “It is a fascinating topic to me because it suggests that these experiences are being sexualized.”

The obvious answer is yes. Men and woman are different. Behaving as if they are not is ridiculous. Men and woman are sexual beings. Behaving as if they are not is ridiculous. That doesn’t mean that I don’t trust my husband or that he doesn’t trust me. It means that when I married him, I pledged my whole life to him. It means that I won’t look outside of my marriage for sexual gratification, but it also means that I won’t look outside of my marriage for emotional gratification.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It is always easier to talk to someone outside of the situation. They only hear your side of the story. They sympathize. They comfort. They laugh. It is easy and it feels good. Having that kind of friendship with your spouse, day in and day out, is hard work. When you let yourself become emotionally intimate with someone, it becomes easier to take it further.

Do I think it is possible for men and women to be friends? Yes. But it is also easy to cross that line. What is the divorce rate today? What about adultry? Do you have any idea how many times I have heard ‘we were just friends’? I know from experience. When I was married to my first husband, we both had friends of the opposite sex. It wasn’t unusual for me to hang out with other guys when he was at work. I can tell you that the great majority of them ended up hitting on me at one time or another. In fact, I can’t think of a single one that didn’t. There was always a litle tension there. And it was fun. Eventually, I ended up cheating on my husband. It was too easy and I regret it.

My dad always told me that it wasn’t enough to do the right thing. One should also avoid the appearance of wrongdoing. If a man and a woman start spending time with each other, people talk. People assume things. And temptation does happen. It is only natural.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t think men and women should ever be alone together. It means that I am not going to go out of my way to spend time with other men alone. Would I want Butterfly to hang out with Mia’s husband while she borrowed her dryer? No. My dryer has been broken for months and I haven’t gone to my sister’s house once to use hers. Mainly because she isn’t always home and I wouldn’t feel comfortable going over there with just my brother-in-law.

What is wrong with treating men and women differently? I want my sons to treat women with respect, open doors for them, watch their language etc. I want my daughters to demand that kind of respect from their husbands. Mike and I do things without each other, but not often. We have an extremely close family and do just about everything together. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

And regarding children and nudity, same thing. Of course it bothers me because it sexualizes the children. I don’t look at them that way, but I know that some people do. If Mia is wearing something that is too tight, or too short I make her change. Not because I think she is going to have sex, but because I know that there are men out there that will be looking at her in a sexual way, even though she is only 14. That is just common sense. I wouldn’t let her walk around the neighborhood in a skimpy outfit just because you see them in magazines.

This is coming out all jumbled, but I don’t have time to work it out in my head. I may edit this later when I have more time. I realize that I haven’t explained it well. I’ll tell you the same thing I tell the kids: just because!

posted by kristyk on 09.27.05 @ 4:01 am

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